The Abstinence Challenge: A Reflection

Have you ever seen the movie Mean Girls starring Lindsay Lohan and Rachel McAdams? Don’t lie… you know you have. I want you to think back to one scene early on in the movie, when Lindsay’s character first meets her two new friends Janis and Damian and she skips health class. During a cut-scene we see what she was missing as the coach goes into a monologue regarding sex:

“Don’t have sex… because you will get pregnant… and die. Don’t have sex in the missionary position. Don’t have sex standing up. Just don’t do it, promise?”

He then holds up a plastic bin,

“okay, everybody take some rubbers.”

As humorous as the movie can be, I think it hits on something deeply profound in this scene. It is the consistent and ever-present belief that humans lack will power. Scientists like to throw around data that seemingly supports the idea that teenagers are swarming with hormones and abstinence is unachievable. Under such a model, I have the strong belief that it does not stop at teenagers. In a society where divorce is steady at 50% for all sorts of reasons, adultery included, adults seem to be just as prone to their will power destroying hormones. We get tired of our mundane married lives and are drawn to the excitement of something new. We fail to possess the resolve to turn away from temptation. If we are to assert that teenagers are being carried away from hormones (and I won’t contest that hormonal fluctuations are an element of puberty and cause to all sorts of physiological changes in their bodies) than why are we so hard towards adults experiencing the same internal drive? Seems a bit silly to demand teenagers to stay awake in class despite being tired, do their homework despite being bored and distracted, and yet assume that sexual curiosity is unmanageable.

Teenagers are seen as growing and thusly unable to control themselves… well, that is sexually. Other impulses are expected by the law or social convention to be managed. When it comes to sex however, they need to experiment and experience. We know that this view of sexual activity however leads to a whole host of medical and social problems. Adults however are held to a higher standard having left this developmental stage. Adults are expected to accept the consequences of their actions. While adults are able to see the harmful effects of heightened sexual activity among teenagers (hence the abstinence program to begin with), they are also quick to drop any and all standards or expectations. They are given a Plan B. “Don’t have sex… okay, take some condoms.” It is the quintessential we don’t believe in you. You are unable to meet our standards so here is an alternative. The trouble with this, and ask any teacher you know, is that if you do not hold kids to high standards you are dooming them to mediocrity. They are inclined to do the bear minimum, in this case, turning away from the effort-demanding abstinence and turning towards the easier route which is also presented. The military takes kids aged 17 and 18, throws them into a boot camp environment, and tells them to do everything they are told or they will die. You know what, many kids thrive with this. They are given clear boundaries. They are given clear reasons why they are to stay in the boundaries. Finally, and this is the most important thing, they are given no other option. They are given no plan B. It is believed that they have what it takes to meet the expectations no matter how hard they are and given the confidence to achieve. If they decide to deviate from the boundaries than they have a pregnancy and financial struggles to look forward to as a consequence. I will not get into abortion here but suffice it to say I find it to be the most horrific Plan B we have available.

*** BTW, if you or someone you know has suffered an abortion, allow me to be the first to tell you that the healing and mercy of God is not barred from anyone, no matter the choices they have made or have been pressured to make. Allow His Grace to restore you. Contact Project Rachel for any help and assistance you need: Project Rachel: Hope After Abortion ***

What happens much of the time is micro-community expectations. The expectations presented by some groups differ from others. Some kids are held to higher standards and thrive because those who are similar and supportive surround them. Other communities are told about abstinence and are given the Plan B. They obviously go for the Plan B. Others are found in the middle. They are held to a heightened standard at home but their school, town, and fellow students do not reinforce the standards. They are held to a high standard one place and to a lesser standard elsewhere. What happens to these kids is that they are faced with turmoil. They are forced to prioritize the influences. As we have already seen, they are inclined to do the bear minimum. Thus they are attracted towards the view that their parents are stuffy and too traditional while their school and friends are right in reinforcing a low standard. I found myself in this in-between micro-community. While I desired to live a life of chastity that accompanies the life of a Catholic priest, I thought it was largely impossible. My Church told me one thing and my society told me another. The struggle was so strong, in fact, that there were moments I thought about surrendering the drive towards priesthood under a false notion that it was impossible. The Grace of God pulled me through though and now I spend a great deal of time and energy spreading what I have learned through the struggles.

What can the world do? First of all, abstinence is only unsuccessful because of people failing to practice it. If micro-communities are offering different standard tiers, than the lowest one available will attract the kids. We need to properly assess the effects of heightened sexual activity outside of monogamous and committed relationships and build a united front towards setting appropriately high standards. We need to properly orient ourselves towards empowering our kids to see sex for the amazing and sacred thing that it is and not just a meaningless pastime.

The data is out there. If you get a free moment do some research on the Philippines and see how their nation-wide abstinence program is kicking HIV’s butt, while other African countries who get showered with complimentary condoms by American relief planes are experiencing ever increasing HIV outbreaks.

THE ANSWER TO ISSUES LIKE THE SPREADING OF HIV AND OTHER STDs, UNWANTED PREGNANCIES, INCREASING DISREGARD FOR HUMAN LIFE, AND THE EVER-LESSENING SELF-IMAGE OF OUR YOUNG WOMEN WHO ARE PERPETUALLY SOUGHT AFTER AS LUSTFUL OBJECTS IS NOT ADDING MORE BARRIERS. WE SHOULD RATHER HAVE THE STRENGTH TO SEE SEX FOR THE PRECIOUS THING THAT IT IS AND RECOGNIZING WHERE AND WHEN IT IS TRULY APPROPRIATE.

GIRLS, have the strength to stand up for who you truly are: precious daughters of God. Take nothing less than a man who demonstrates the highest of virtues and is thusly deserving of your heart.

GUYS, man up and quite acting like anything other than who you are: precious sons of God. Accept nothing less than your role of protecting the hearts of women everywhere. These are not too high of standards; they are the standards we are made for!