That Space Between Big Steps

Lord, my God and my loving Father, you have made me to know you, to love you, to serve you, and thereby to find and to fulfill my deepest longings. I know that you are in all things, and that every path can lead me to you.

But of them all, there is one especially by which you want me to come to you. Since I will do what you want of me, I pray you, send your Holy Spirit to me: into my mind, to show me what you want of me; into my heart, to give me the determination to do it, and to do it with all my love, with all my mind, and with all of my strength right to the end. Jesus, I trust in you. Amen

Prayer To Know One’s Vocation (USCCB)

There are days when I wake up and think I am insane. There are days when I question whether I am thinking clearly or whether I am as clouded as could be. Despite any doubts, I am certain of at least two things: (1) God is real, and (2) I am made in His image and likeness. If our minds were arbitrary collections of matter, comprised merely of spinning atomic materials bearing various electrical charges, than I would have no choice but to disregard my own thoughts. Or at the very least admit that my thoughts merit no trust. Why should we trust something so arbitrary? So accidental? Such is not the case however, and I find great peace in that fact. I can trust my thoughts because they are the product of the same God who created gravity, the mathematical constants in physics, and even the reality of truth itself.

This trust is hard but I believe that it is hard by design. We find evidence of this truth woven in our thinking through classic maxims like nothing good comes easy. We hear it preached to us from both the pulpit of faith and the pulpit of society, from our preachers and our idols, whether athlete, politician, television star, etc. One of my favorite quotes from Martin Luther King Jr., a man who knew how to preach from a worldview of faith while touching the heart of society, goes something like this: “Rarely do we find men who willingly engage in hard, solid thinking. There is an almost universal quest for easy answers and half-baked solutions. Nothing pains some people more than having to think.” I myself am the first to admit that I am only interested in the map that points to the easy road. Things that come naturally to me, like talking to people and taking standardized tests, I am quick to call “gifts,” while things that make me want to smash my head against a wall like math and remembering important dates I am quick to avoid. We all want to foster our gifts, right? It appears to me that we are quick to railroad ourselves, which may very well lead us somewhere nice, but not necessary where we are ultimately intended to be.

This twofold truth: (1) I can trust my mind because it is from God, and (2) the good often requires a sacrifice of comfort, has led me into a new and interesting stage of my life. If you have been so generous as to read my previous musings shared in this blog, then you would know that I was preparing to enter Seminary to further discern life as a Catholic priest. In fact, I just completed my first year at Saint John’s in Brighton MA. You may not have known that given the lapse in time between posts. Remember: I openly admit to taking the lazy path!!! Well, with all of the classes, assignments, and formation activities fighting over my time, I gave into temptation and went without blogging for the entire year. Perhaps I will be a “looking back” style post, recounting the last year?

Have you ever felt like all the puzzle pieces of your life are slowly coming together? That is the way I feel as I sit here with my venti iced latte writing this. The decision to leave Saint John’s was a hard one. Not only did I feel the internal urge to finish what I had started (btw… that is NOT the way to discern a vocation to the priesthood!), I was afraid to be on my own in terms of temporal things like insurance and housing. If you are paying attention you will notice that God is not found in my reasons to stay. That is because I was feeling quite sure that my calling was not to priesthood. I decided to go against the temptation and listen to what I was feeling and I have never been happier. The Lord brought an amazing young woman into my life, whom I can honestly say that I love. He provided me with temporal security in a job ministering to the youth and young adults of the Parish where I was serving as a seminarian. Our God is truly one of abundance and I feel so humbled and thankful that He would lead me to such a wonderful place – a place where I feel fulfilled – a place where my relationship with Him is at the heart of all I do.

Folks, do not be afraid to trust. We are all created in the image and likeness of God. Listen to ways in which He speaks to you and do not be afraid to listen to them. Be honest with yourself though. Are you thinking objectively and critically, or are you deceiving yourself? Above all else, make sure you are bringing big decisions to prayer. The beauty of God is that He is present. We need not tread water on our own.

I wish you all nothing but the best in every New Step you may be led on.